No Longer A Slave To Fear

I'm starting a newsletter in 2024.

What is your biggest fear?

Mine is being the center of attention and on the mind of others specifically for doing something good.

If you know my background, that may be ironic, but hear me out.

There’s this thing called the Spotlight Effect. “This is the phenomenon where people tend to overestimate how much others notice aspects of one’s appearance or behavior.”¹

When I’m on the mind of others for doing something “good” I tend to automatically assume they are thinking of all the reasons I should be “cancelled” and why I’m a phony.

For example, this is how my mind goes:

If I’m preaching a sermon on the humility of Christ and encouraging people to have the same mindset as him (Philippians 2) I am assuming there are several in the crowd recounting all the times they witnessed me being prideful.

If I make a post about loving people well and respecting their humanity I assume I’m going to have 2-3 people ready to comment and share their experience… that I didn’t love them well or respect their humanity.

So, for a long time I’ve simply thought it best to do the bare minimum and try to stay off the minds of people as much as possible. As you can imagine, being in ministry, preaching weekly, and discipling people has made this quite difficult.

So what do I do? I carry around a lingering anxiety. I think, is today the day I get exposed? Is today the day all my sins are made public? Is today the day the people I’ve hurt come forward with a statement?

One morning a couple weeks ago I read the story of Esther and Mordecai. It’s a story you’ll have to read. It’s too good to even summarize. In the middle of their journey Mordecai is honored by the King and put on public display because of Mordecai’s previous act of nobility.

Insecurity rushed up in me. I would never want that. All those eyes looking at me? Someone in the crowd would surely speak up and give 10,000 reasons why I shouldn’t be there.

But right as I thought those things, God spoke in a gentle voice - almost like a whisper.

“You know, as long as you’re a slave to what other people are thinking about you, I’ll never actually be able to use you.”

And, believe it or not, God is right. (That’s sarcasm, of course He is.)

I can recall so many moments that I stepped out in faith, did something God was telling me to do, got recognized for it (even if it was just a compliment or encouragement), and I immediately stopped doing the thing.

It’s a well known fact in my brain that if I work out a few days in a row, as soon as someone notices, I’ll stop and it will be weeks before I start again.

Why? I have been terrified of the focus being put on me for something good because I’ve been long convinced that I either a) am a fraud and they’ll soon find that out or b) will eventually let them down.

I’m a mess.

I’m such a mess that I can’t believe my wife Jackie still loves me. But, by God’s grace, she does. And it’s her voice of love and wisdom that has shaped me more than anything outside of God and His Presence.

When I was sharing my insecurities and plight to her, she said three really helpful things.

First, she brought me back to reality. That’s not who I am anymore and it hasn’t been who I was for a decade or more. She reminded me that for as long as we’ve known each other I’ve worked really hard to be like Christ. And that she had never seen the me I was afraid was going to be exposed.

Second, and this will sound crazy, she said, “It’s all actually far worse than you can imagine. You’re only aware of part of how terrible you were. Your sin runs far deeper than you can imagine so if someone approaches you a reason why God shouldn’t use you then just tell them, you’re right! And it’s actually worse than that!”

Lastly she said, “At the same time though, you’re far more loved and forgiven than you could ever imagine. God’s well aware of all that but Christ took the sin, guilt, and shame on the cross.”

She was right. I was keeping a record of everything I had done wrong since I could form memories. (No lie, at a surprise birthday party I fouled a girl into the bushes during a basketball game because I was getting too competitive. I’ve spent several moments assuming one day she would pop up in the comments section ready to expose me of my evil ways.)

But God has taken that record I’m recalling and He has wiped it clean.

So, you may be reading this ready to comment some story to expose me. In my anxiety and fear I assume there are lots of you.

In my past I’ve hurt people emotionally, spiritually, relationally, mentally, and physically. I’ve been deceitful and manipulative. I’ve lost my cool on people I can’t apologize to anymore. I’ve broken my commitments. I’ve lied and kept secrets. I’ve not followed through and ghosted people. I’ve not been a good friend. I’ve not worked hard to make friendships last. I’ve not been a good husband, dad, son, brother, cousin, grandson, or nephew. I’ve been a poor leader, made poor decisions, set poor priorities, and set poor cultures.

If you’ve got a story in one of those categories, or in any other category, you’re right. I shouldn’t be used by God. And it’s far worse than what you even know!

But, by God’s mercy and grace, His love for me goes beyond what I can even imagine. His grace has covered my sin. His mercies are new every morning. Where there is shame, there’s now freedom and joy. Where there is guilt, there’s now life and godliness.

So why am I telling you all this?

I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was in college. I remember starting a blog: deepthinkingballplayer (don’t worry, i’ve searched that phrase and everything like it several times and I can’t find the blog.)

I love writing. I love sharing what God is teaching me. I love every part of it. I’ve sensed writing to be part of God’s call on my life.

Since that college blog I’ve started countless blogs. Even more so are the amount of times I’ve planned to start blogging weekly. How many are going to this day? None.

I would write some, someone would acknowledge it, and I would stop. I’ve been disobedient to the call.

But I’m not who I used to be. I’m not “scared” of the attention anymore.

Which is why in 2024 I’m committing to a weekly newsletter. Here’s what that means:

• Every Wednesday I’ll be sending out a newsletter focused on spiritual growth and pursuing God.

• If you’re a subscriber, you’ll get the newsletter in your email.

• You can comment here on the post or respond directly to me over email.

• It’s a free newsletter with the option to be a paid subscriber if you want to support me and the work financially.

• Paid subscribers will also be given discounts for any published work of mine being sold at morethanwordsco.org.

I can’t be a slave to my fear anymore. I’m a slave to God and what God says, goes.

So I’ll ask again, what is your biggest fear? Let God in on it because He can set you free.

I’ll see you every Wednesday.

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1. https://www.cabrini.edu/blog/2020-2021-blogs/reducing-social-anxiety-the-spotlight-effect