When You're More Like Balaam Than Jesus
At least there's no talking donkey's in this story.
I went to battle with God the week of April 7th and lost.
I’m not one of those guys who thinks Satan is around every corner or there’s some angelic mystery to normal, everyday circumstances.
However, anytime something out of the ordinary happens, I want to be sure I ask the Holy Spirit if there’s anything I need to pay attention to. That’s precisely what happened the week of April 7th.
For a month leading up to that week, I had been posting daily devotionals on Substack alongside my weekly articles that went out on Wednesdays.
The weekly articles were fine, and I loved writing them, but I wanted to ramp up my posting schedule for a few reasons:
I love writing, and I wanted to publish more of what God was teaching me.
I wanted to increase my paying subscribers, so I wanted to put some content behind a paywall.
I wanted to use those devotionals to eventually put together a devotional book and publish it through Amazon.
I am confident God told me to post daily.
But I’m also confident God told me to post daily so that I would be humbled.
The week of April 7th was a particularly difficult one.
Monday was fine.
Tuesday I started feeling sick and struggled through the day.
By Tuesday night I was laid out in our guest bedroom and barely able to move.
I took Wednesday off work.
But went back to school on Thursday and Friday despite feeling terrible.
Friday, I barely made it home from work with a temperature of 103+. It took me about an hour to get home because of how poorly I felt.
On Saturday, I stayed in bed most of the day, hardly able to think straight.
I finally had some reprieve from the sickness on Sunday.
On the surface, it was a normal week of sickness. But spiritually, there was far more going on. God used this week to absolutely flatten me and prevent me from moving forward with publishing.
The story of Balaam has always been an interesting one for me.
He’s not an Israelite prophet but consults the Lord when Balak recruits him to curse the Israelites.
When Balaam talks with God about it, God very clearly says, “You shall not go…” (Numbers 22:12)
At that point, everything is fine. Balaam sends the people away and goes about his business. However, when the people return a short time later, Balaam goes and asks the Lord again what he should do.
This time, the Lord tells him to go.
So Balaam goes.
On the way, the Lord’s anger kindles against Balaam, the angel of the Lord shows up, and we get the whole talking donkey scene. (Numbers 22:22-35)
Balaam makes his way to Balak and gives four oracles—all of which prophesy against the Moabites and in favor of God’s people. There’s even a prophecy about Jesus. (Numbers 24:17)
While he’s with Balak, Balaam does everything right. Speaks against God’s enemies, speaks in favor of God’s people, and leaves. So why then is Balaam spoken so poorly about throughout the rest of the Bible? Because he never should have been there.
Peter gives us insight into what was happening with Balaam, and this insight sheds light on my problems, too.
Forsaking the right way, they have gone astray. They have followed the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved gain from wrongdoing, but was rebuked for his own transgression; a speechless donkey spoke with human voice and restrained the prophet's madness.
—2 Peter 2:15-16
Balaam was rebuked because he wanted the gain more than he wanted to listen to the Lord. The Lord is not a man that changes his mind. (Numbers 23:19—This passage is, rather ironically, in the middle of Balaam’s oracles, and he is the one that says this about God.)
So if God doesn’t change his mind then why did God allow Balaam to go the second time Balaam asked? It’s quite simple, really, God gave Balaam over to the desires of His heart—even though those desires were contrary to God’s desires.
Maybe Balaam felt the opportunity to prophesy was one he couldn’t pass up.
Perhaps Balaam saw the money Balak was offering and couldn’t resist.
Or could it be simply that Balaam so focused on what he wanted to do that he didn’t care what God had to say?
I don’t know Balaam’s motives. But Peter tells us, “He loved gain from wrongdoing.” And that God used a talking donkey to “restrain the prophet’s madness.”
I said earlier that God absolutely flattened me with the flu…
I think it was God restraining the prophet’s madness.
I couldn’t think.
I had brain fog.
I had very little energy.
My entire prayer life was spent asking God for the strength and mental focus to do my day job well, a prayer He graciously answered.
Publishing wasn’t even an option. I had nothing to say. No words from God. Nothing.
This continued for a month while I finished the semester in my job and my seminary courses. The fog lifted with about a week left in the semester.
It was just shy of a year ago when God told me that in 10 years, I would be writing and speaking more than ever, and my influence would be tenfold what it is currently.
He told me that I would soon be able to focus my extra attention on writing. When? When I was finished with seminary.
And, here I am. Finished with seminary.
But instead of rejoicing with joy that I finished the race faithfully, waiting on God, and trusting His plan…
…I’m filtering through a shattered mess of dreams because of my greed and disobedience.
Instead of waiting on God, I continually asked Him, “Can I move forward now? Can I publish more now? Can I? Can I?” My estimation is that He finally said yes because He gave me over to the desires of my heart, even though my desires were contrary to His desires. I was greedy for gain, even if that gain resulted from wrongdoing.
I know God is faithful.
So I know He’s not finished with me.
I know His plan will prevail.
I know the men in the storyline of the Bible were broken and messed up.
I know God’s grace is sufficient in my weakness.
I know God is faithful to His promises in His Word.
I know God is working a million things out at one time.
I know God has more mercy than I have sin.
What I’m learning is that God would rather have me flattened than pursue the desires of my heart on my terms. And that’s good for me.
Jesus’s prayer in the garden is seared into most of our minds—
“Not my will, but Yours be done.”
—Luke 22:42
But, in this season, I’m working hard to let that move from my mind to my heart. My heart needs to believe that God’s will is better than mine. Even if it takes longer than I want it to take.
So I’m back. But I’m back like Jacob. I’m walking with a limp. I’m letting God guide me in picking up the pieces. If it weren’t for His very consistent command to me to write, I would be done. But I can’t be done. I must be faithful, but I must also proceed with caution—only moving when the Father moves.
Have a great week.
—Brandon
Two things:
If you’re interested in supporting financially but cannot do so through a monthly subscription, here’s a link to my buy me a coffee page. I would love your support there.
Next, if you’re looking for a camp or event speaker, may I humbly submit my wife and I as an idea? She and I have spoken both individually and together to youth groups, men’s/women’s events, FCA rallies, school events, etc. If you’re interested in that, contact me here.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I’ve missed these articles. Pray for you daily.