Things Will Be Different

I can't do it anymore.

I’m going to be honest. I’m really tired of writing articles like this one.

Here’s what happens—

• I start stretching myself too thin with publishing

• I go on for a few months and it’s “fine”

• I commit to even more writing

• God convicts me

• I repent

• I ease into a writing rhythm that’s sustainable

• I get excited and start stretching myself too thin with publishing

• & repeat…

And I don’t want to do that anymore.

Over the last few months, I’ve seen two things happen:

1. I’ve gained more subscribers than I could have imagined. I never anticipated writing weekly for the number of people who have subscribed to Exploring Life With God. Do other platforms have more subscribers? Absolutely. But I’ve never had more than this, and it’s fascinating. I’ve found the more that I publish, the more subscribers I get—which is exciting.

2. The quality of my writing has gone down. Many of you have encouraged me and let me know how the content has impacted you, and I appreciate that, but I’m also aware of what’s happening behind the screen. I’m publishing articles that aren’t well thought out and are rarely even edited.

Deep down I knew that when I combined my publishing schedule commitments with my other normal life obligations and priorities I was reaching an unsustainable point. As I saw myself approaching this point, I did the irrational thing: I committed to a full year of more of it.

Why would I do this?

I miss a lot of things about playing baseball. Every time I pick up a ball there’s part of me that wonders what could have been if I had just stayed healthy. I know God is sovereign and it was time for me to retire when I did, but I still miss it. I miss playing, training, having teammates, the highs and the lows, and I miss the process of getting better and seeing tangible results.

I miss almost every component about baseball but it was about 6 months ago when I realized what I missed most about being a professional baseball player.

I missed being excellent at something.

I had spent 20+ years of my life training for one thing. I had become more than proficient at that thing and it was fun. I saw the compounding effect that training daily and having high expectations of execution brought for my career. When I retired from the sport, there was nothing there to fill that void.

For just shy of a decade I bounced around from different passion projects like a college football bounces from school to school in the NIL age. I couldn’t pick a thing that I wanted to run after with all I had in me.

Graphic Design?
Web Design?
Copywriting?
Coaching?
Writing?
Coding?
Should I be a professor at a seminary? (This is when I should have known I was trippin.)
PhD?
Church planting?

For 8 years I was frantically looking behind every door to search for the thing that I was “excellent” at already. Each time I realized the gap between my love for the thing and the excellence at which I could execute the thing I was propelled further into a certain type of despair driven by one specific question—“Am I ever going to be good at anything again?”

Which brings me to a year ago when I started writing at Exploring Life With God.

Two thoughts overlapped for me at the same time.

1. I really, really, love writing.

2. It’s okay that I’m not great at the beginning. God has called me to it and I’ll get better as I go.

In some sense I had also conceded that I may never be good at anything like I was good at baseball. Which probably isn’t true, but even if it is it would be reasonable—I was in the top 1% of all baseball players to ever play. A concession like this sounds depressing, but it was actually healthy for me. He gave me the freedom to realize that it may be 20 to 30 years before I’m excellent at something specific again and that’s okay. My time as a baseball player was unique and something like that is hard to replicate.

Regardless, the Lord compelled me to go forward with publishing—so I did.

And as the size of the community and the amount of interaction increased I had one underlying thought, “Perhaps this IS what I’m good at.”

Two things can be true at once.

I am confident that God has called me to continue writing, publishing, and pushing forward His message of abundant life into my little world here on Substack.

I am also learning that part of my drive to do more and more of that has come more from my insecurities than a specific vision from God.

Both are true.

God called.
Deep insecurities.

This is why we tend to make so many mistakes as humans. We’re one big ball of mess. This testifies to the miracle of Jesus on the cross and His grace for us. He died and resurrected for us, gave us His presence, and committed to helping us grow with Him even though He knows we’ll be disobedient to Him and follow our own ways some days.

In the past I’ve let this dual reality stop me from being obedient. I didn’t want to risk being disobedient so I stopped trying to push forward in obedience.

I won’t do that this time.

This time I’m going to go back to the basics. What am I absolutely confident God has called me to do? Write and publish.

When I started, that meant writing and publishing one time per week. Things got murky as I tried to push the ball forward with publishing multiple times per week. And honestly, I’ve already messed this up before. I keep messing up because I’m genuinely wanting to obey God but have a difficult time discerning His voice vs. my insecurities—specifically when it involves writing a message that promotes His vision for life.

All that to say, I’m going back to where I started.

Moving forward, I’m publishing once per week. One free article.

I can’t do anymore than that and flourish in all of life.

Paid members

You’ll still have access to more than everyone else. As of yesterday, every article that’s beyond 1 month old will be behind a paywall. This is mostly driven because I encountered a few trolls here on the internet a couple of weeks ago, and I want to keep some things away from them. I’m far too honest in my posts to let those things just be everywhere all the time.

You’ll also have access to this page, which will be linked at the bottom of each new article I send out.

• Everything I’ve Learned About Following Jesus

Consider that to be something of a diary in which I jot down thoughts as things happen. It will be updated randomly and will never be sent in an email format, but you’ll always have access to it.

The end of the matter is this…

Solomon says this to end Ecclesiastes:

The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.
—Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

I’ve made a commitment to do just what those two verses say.

Fear God
Keep God’s Commandments

What else am I here for? That commitment has often brought me to a place of vulnerability and edging on public embarrassment. However, all is worth it to know Christ.

All that being said, I’m still excited to move forward into 2025. Even more excited than before!

I’ll see you next Wednesday,

Brandon

Photo by NEOM on Unsplash