Failure, The Enneagram, & A Deep Burning Question
“How did you become a professional athlete? You don’t seem to want to accomplish anything.”
That question and statement was inquisitively brought to me one night.
I had probably just finished another night moping around with no sense of direction, passion, or desire to be successful in any area of life when my wife gently asked me that question.
How in the world does someone with almost zero passion and drive become a professional baseball player?
If you’re familiar with the Enneagram then you can probably skip the next two paragraphs. If you’re not, let me give you a quick overview.
The Enneagram is (basically) a personality test. Though the die-hard Enneagrammers seem to see it as way more than that. I use it as a personality test.
The personalities can be broken down this way:
The Reformer
The Helper
The Achiever
The Individualist
The Investigator
The Loyalist
The Enthusiast
The Challenger
The Peacemaker
When I take the test these days I’ll score high as a #5 - The Investigator - and a #9 - The Peacemaker. This doesn’t surprise me because I’ve always been a more quiet, reserved, person who likes things to be at peace. It makes sense that I’ve grown up to be someone who takes time to investigate things & works to help the situations around them to be at peace.
However, what does come as a surprise is my lowest number. Can you guess what it is?
You’re right - a #3. The Achiever.
So back to the original question, how does someone with so little desire to achieve anything become a professional baseball player? How did I manage to achieve when I care very little about achieving?
My best guess is that this isn’t how I’ve always been.
Growing up I spent hours upon hours upon hours practicing both baseball and basketball - the two sports I played.
Because I was fairly athletic and I spent so many hours refining my skills I ended up being pretty good about both sports. Seeing that I was 6’0” and couldn’t jump as a Sophomore in High School (and I was already throwing 88 mph fastballs) it made sense to drop basketball and stick to baseball.
I had success with baseball in High School, College, and even some in professional baseball. But in professional baseball I experienced something I had never experienced before.
I didn’t make the team.
Then, things got even more uncommon when I needed to retire because of my injury and I found myself out of the game for good.
For the first time in my life I had failed at the game of baseball. I wasn’t good enough to make the cut. I had failed.
Failure isn’t bad. Failure can teach us a lot of things. Failure can show us exactly where we need to improve so we can continue growing in that particular field. Failure can be a catalyst for motivation to succeed further down the line. Often times the most successful people can point to a moment of failure as the reason why they are so successful today.
That’s not how I interpreted my failure though.
In my mind I didn’t just fail.
I was a failure.
Everything I had worked for over the last 2 decades was up in smoke because I was a failure. I was someone who failed at the things he tried to do. In my book I was 0-1. It didn’t matter that I played longer than 98% of people who play the sport. I didn’t make it to the Major Leagues and therefore, I was a failure.
So, back to the original question. How does someone with so little desire to achieve anything become a professional baseball player?
The answer was simple. I once had a passion and desire to achieve everything.
I started a (very poorly ran) business in college
I’ve started multiple blogs
I’ve had at least 5-10 non-profit & church ideas
I’ve even had an idea for a cryptocurrency (i’ll probably stay out of this)
I made it to professional baseball and had success
All of those I have had passion for and a desire to be successful within them.
But from the moment I walked out of that locker room I started to view myself as something very specific. A failure.
And for the last 7 years my thoughts have been simple: it’s better to not even try to be successful than it is to prove you’re a failure over and over again.
It doesn’t take a genius to spot the lie I’ve believed.
My identity was so closely connected to being a baseball player that everything in me - even my personality - died with my dreams.
It’s taken me years to recover and I’m still learning what it means to live in the fullness of how God created me. I know there is passion, goals, dreams, and desires deep within me. Proverbs says it this way,
The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.
—Proverbs 20:5
Good thing I’m an Investigator!
God has placed deep purpose in my heart to fulfill the good works he’s prepared for me (Ephesians 2:10).
So all this nonsense about being a failure is a lie!
And it’s a lie for you, too.
You’re not a failure simply because you don’t make as much money as you wish you did. You’re not a failure because of that argument you had with your spouse last week. You’re not a failure because of the silly mistakes you made in college.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
The Lord’s mercy doesn’t come to an end. Not for me. Not for you.
Most of us had childhood dreams. Some were realistic, some were a bit wonky. Most of us had a dream crushed along the way by the pain and toil of life and work.
Remember this, God has placed deep purpose in you and would love for you to search it out this week.