Depression? Anxiety? Time for confession.
When I was 25 years old I walked away from the only thing I had known for 22 years.
I was sitting in my car at 3:00am while working as a paper delivery guy (trying to save up money to try and play professional baseball) when the Lord intervened.
I was fasting from listening to music and scrolling social media while driving in the middle of the night. (Surely I get some points for the weirdest fast of all time.)
The only thing I could listen to was scripture or the silence of the night.
On this particular night I was listening to the Proverbs when Proverbs 12:11 came bursting through my headphones.
Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread,
but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.—Proverbs 12:11 (ESV)
And just like that - a dagger pierced my heart.
See, I had retired from professional baseball while hurt *with the plans of rejoining a team once I got healthy.*
Ridiculous? Yes. And everyone in my life was telling me that.
But it took the Lord saying, “you’re following a worthless pursuit” to convict me of my sin and actually stop playing baseball.
The Writing On The Wall
At this point I knew I should have already quit playing. It was obvious to everyone looking on and it was obvious to me.
So why was I still trying?
Because I was scared.
I was experiencing what nearly every professional athlete experiences when they start creeping toward retirement. What do I do now?
But not only that…
Who am I without this sport? Will anyone care about me? Am I worth anything outside of this sport? Do I have any other skills?
All of those questions were festering in the background of my mind and I wanted nothing to do with them.
As Expected…
Baseball had been such an integral part of my life for two full decades and because of this, one of my greatest concerns was if people would even care about me after I retired.
Just a few days after announcing my “official official” retirement, I walked into church.
You know what happened…?
Everyone I had talk to the previous Sunday saw me and went the opposite direction. At least that’s how I remember it.
I made it through the service and went home with a new and unfortunate confidence: everything I was concerned about is true.
No one cares about me anymore.
I’m no one without this sport.
I’m not worth anything outside of baseball.
I don’t have anything to offer if I’m not playing.
I don’t know if anyone loves me anymore.
Two Years Later…
My mental and emotional health began to tailspin after that Sunday. I’ve learned since then that most people probably didn’t even see me walk in that morning. If they did, they probably just didn’t know what to say. I was looking for confirmation that my thoughts about me were true. I was going to find it somewhere.
My wife was enrolled at John Brown University in their Counseling program and was taking an incredibly helpful class. The class was laying out the basics and foundational practices in the counseling world and how to diagnose people based on the symptoms they were showing.
This was around two years after I officially retired from playing baseball.
My wife brought home a basic 40 question survey that counselors often use to grade how depressed a person is from not depressed to severely depressed.
She began asking me the questions.
I scored a 36 out of 40.
I was severely, severely depressed. By God’s grace, the 4 points I didn’t receive were centered around suicidal thoughts. But I had a major problem on my hands.
Where do we go from here?
My wife is the most significant blessing I’ve ever received from the Lord. I can say with confidence that every word in the Bible about “having a good wife” is true.
It’s been around 5 years since I was self-diagnosed with severe depression.
I can confidently say I’m no longer depressed. In fact, I’m quite at peace and joyful.
I’ve found freedom. I’m health(ier) and hol(ier) than I’ve ever been.
My wife has helped me with all of that.
The truth is that much of my depression and anxiety following my retirement from baseball simultaneously had nothing to do with baseball and everything to do with baseball.
I hope you are well,
Brandon.