I started 2024 unlike I’ve started any other year.
When the clock struck midnight on 2023 I was wildly aware of one fundamental thing: I had been a slave to the opinions of other people.
My entire life had been built on letting other people control me. Their opinions, their expectations, their thoughts about me… controlled my every action. To my knowledge, no one knew they were able to control me so easily, but they did.
The launch of this weekly blog (thanks for subscribing, by the way) was in some ways an act of revenge. It was me taking my best shot at breaking free from the bondage.
Unfortunately, revenge doesn’t set people free. I launched the blog and saw new subscribers and page views take off. Guess what I ended up with…
More people to control me.
I found myself trapped by your opinion.
What will they think of this post?
Will more people read this one, than the last?
Did anyone unsubscribe today?
How many people opened the email? (10 minutes after I sent it).
I mean the list of insecure thoughts I had could go on, and on, and on.
If I was going to find freedom it was going to only be because I set enough time aside with God to be quiet and listen to what He had to say about me, to me.
So I did… and here’s what I learned.
Most of my life I didn’t have to question what I was worth — my coaches, scholarship, and signing bonus told me how much I was worth.
The day that all ended, my worth was no where to be found. So I turned to people like you.
Because I thought my reputation was tarnished (after “failing” at professional baseball) I made it my mission (subconsciously, of course) to do whatever it took to make sure people saw me in a positive light.
My public persona began to be manufactured. I needed to be the guy who looked like he had it all figured out, at all times. If I didn’t have it figured out, what was I worth?
Thoughts like, “Only let people see the good.” And, “Make people believe you’re living by faith even though you have no idea what you’re doing.” became the primary drivers of my subconscious.
Much of that has changed, by God’s grace. I’ve learned the value of being honest and transparent. On top of that, I’ve realized it’s impossible to only let people see the good anyway. Mistakes are too common. Sometimes the bad is so obvious — bad leadership decisions, bad counseling, bad actions — to hide it would be weird.
What hasn’t changed though, is my private commitment to making sure I had worth in your eyes.
I never said no to a meeting.
I wanted to be available all times of day for counsel.
I took on other people’s tasks to make their life easier.
I wouldn’t ask anyone to do anything, I didn’t want to burden them.
I took on every task I could.
I said yes to every preaching opportunity.
I said yes to being at every event.
Why?
So you would think I was worth something.
What good is a minister that doesn’t say yes to every meeting and make themselves available to counsel almost 24/7? If I burden them, they’ll definitely think less of me. I’ll say yes to everything so they see how much I’m able to handle and think I’m great. I’ll always be around so they know I’m available.
The lies I believed in my mind and heart was a list as long as this one:
My need to say yes to people at all times led me to radical overcommitment — not only that, I also got to the point where I realized I barely had normal conversations anymore. My goal in every conversation was to prove my worth to someone else. How exhausting is all that? I can tell you from experience it is very exhausting.
Even in those moments I said “no” to an opportunity and 100% from God I should say no, it was almost guaranteed that I would say, “Let me pray about that.” Before responding. Did I pray about it? Sometimes, most of the time though I just didn’t want to see someone’s disappointment when I said no right away.
Don’t get me wrong though — I’ve seen God at work in everything I’ve said yes to. He’s changed me, changed people around me, and been present in every meeting. My problem has been I’ve been misinterpreting the work He’s done.
I saw it as His favor, when really it’s been His mercy. He’s been merciful to use me despite failing to Sabbath. He’s been merciful to use me despite operating in insecurity. He’s been merciful to use me despite idolizing people instead of worshipping Him.
So you may be wondering, where do I go from here and why am I sharing this? Part of me is wondering the same thing, but here’s what I do know.
I was reading a 31 day devotional called Fearing Others: Putting God First and here’s the quote that helped me realize my problem — and potential solution.
“Being overcommitted can be a symptom of fearing others. Like my friend, you may find it difficult to say no to people because you’re afraid of falling from the pedestal they have put you on in their minds. When this happens, being overcommitted isn’t just an issue of priorities–your priorities are being driven by a need for people to think of you a certain way.”
—Zach Schlegel
See, I’ve realized this was a problem in the past. However, my solution has always been to disconnected and just start saying “no” to everything. That’s never worked. Why? Because I’ve never dealt with the heart-level problem.
The heart-level problem is that I idolize people instead of properly worshipping God.
I’ve worshipped people and their opinions about me more than I’ve trusted God and who He says I am.
I needed you to give me worth because God’s Word about me didn’t carry enough weight.
I needed your approval because God’s approval wasn’t enough for me.
I needed your smiles because God’s smile was irrelevant.
That’s why I said yes to every meeting, overcommitted myself with ministry opportunities, and made myself available to people 24/7. Because if I didn’t do that then my entire identity would crumble.
So the move forward is simple: deal with my heart-level problems and find real freedom.
Instead of backing away and isolating myself when I realize my sin, I need to confess my sin to God, ask Him for a Word from His Word to apply to my heart, and ask Him to give me wisdom on how to live righteously. And I need to do that over, and over, and over again until I’m living free.
So I don’t know, perhaps you find yourself in the same boat — crippled by other people’s opinions about you. Or maybe you’re radically overcommitted and this post helps you understand why. I trust that we can find freedom together in God’s Word and opinion about us.
Andy Mineo is a Christian rapper and in one of his songs he says:
“I set myself on fire, trying to keep everybody else warm.”
—Andy Mineo, “Another Me”
The entire song is worth a listen.
But here’s what I’ve realized — when we set ourselves on fire, the people at a healthy distance (co-workers, friends, etc.) stay warm, but the people closest to us (family) get burned.
The way I see it, there’s really only one way to deal with heart-level problems. We need to attack them head on like the nasty infection they are. Anything short of that will leave a lingering problem and that, in and of itself, is a problem.
See you next Wednesday.
I can identify with this.
Good word, i will say the older & wiser in the Spirit you get the easier it becomes to say no because you're (hopefully) listening to God's prompting of where you shd be & what you shd be doing all or at least most of the time. 🙂